The Edge of Glory

This is a deeply personal post. Bear with me.

I once heard Lady Gaga's piano performance of The Edge of Glory on Howard Stern and it touched me. I understood at that moment what it meant for her and found so much love and understanding in it. The title is an apt description of being on the edge of life and death, being at that moment when you leave this world and go to the next...

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I went about my life as any 20-something girl did, worrying about career, about love, about being 20-something. I was never a frivolous person. I was and still am deeply inquisitive and introspective - I think. I was loving my job and my career, I was living in one of the world's best cities, and I was in love with a man who was (and is still) everything I hoped for in a life partner.

I loved my family and my family loved me. I am a family person. I am also "daddy's little girl". I had career aspirations and dreams of marrying the man I loved with my family by my side.

When my dad was diagnosed with Cancer (big C), I was devastated, to say the least. Like any little girl, I put my dad up on a pedestal. He probably has something to do with why I took my time to wait for the man that I would share my life with. When your family loves you the way mine does, you wait to find a love that honours that.

I was heartbroken at the thought of what my dad had to go through and the possibility that our time with him could be severely limited. Here was the kindest man I'd ever known, the most loving husband, father and friend who would do anything for the people he loved. It's always the good ones, I thought.

My sister and I quickly flew home to be with our mom and dad to help him through all the doctor visits, treatments, decisions and uncertainty. After a few doctor visits, we both knew what we needed to do. We moved home. Just in time for my dad's chemo treatments. It seemed the first rounds of radiation didn't help. There was no doubt that we would go through this journey with him. And our family, true to form, gathered together for every treatment, every doctor visit, every moment. One of the nurses told us how nice it was that we were there as a family for everything, that it was rare. I thought, there was no question that we would be here. Where else would we be?

Looking back I doubt if my dad really wanted to undergo chemo, but we wanted it. My mom, my sister and I. It wasn't that we wanted chemo for him. We just wanted to fight. We wanted to fight to keep him. It's not till later that I realized it wasn't so much us who were getting beat up, it was him. I'll hopefully never know what chemo felt like to him. But I'm sure it was no less the hardest thing he's had to do - no the second hardest thing. The hardest thing for him, and I have no doubt, was having to go and leave us on this earth.

I won't go through all the details of that year with my dad as he fought cancer - and he fought it the only way I knew he would, bravely. But it remains one of the hardest, darkest yet the most loving and fulfilling year of our family's life. Both my sister and I got married that year, within 2 weeks of each other. And two weeks after I got married, my parents celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. My sister and I had found the men we wanted to marry by that point and there was no doubt in our minds that BOTH my mom and my dad had to be there. We had beautiful weddings, surrounded by the most important people who love us and my mom AND dad walked us down the aisle. That's what daddy's girls dream of. I'm so happy we have that.

Watching someone you love pass on changes you. In ways that I don't even fully know, but I know I've changed. My dad's wishes when we were about to embark on this journey with him included 1. He didn't want to lose his hair, and 2. If he had to go, he wanted to go at home surrounded by his family - no one else. I'm glad he got those two wishes. He never lost his hair, he looked handsome til the end. And when it was time to go, his girls (my mom, my sister and me) were with him.

“You see love liberates, it does not bind. Love says, I love you. I love you if you’re in China, I love you if you’re cross town, I love you if you’re in Harlem, I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my head. But that’s not possible now. So I love you. Go.”

— Maya Angelou

I watched my dad take his last breath. I'd never known courage until that very moment. I could see in his eyes moments before that he didn't want to go but the moment had come. It took everything in my mom, my sister and me to tell him in loving words that we would be okay. That he could go. We wanted him to go in peace knowing we'd be okay. They say people at that point need to know that those they leave behind will be okay. I think he struggled with leaving us on earth. I think that even though he was at the edge, he couldn't step off until he knew his girls would be okay. We made that promise to him. We told him he could go, that we would take care of each other and he could watch over us. My husband told him that he would take care of his girls, and I think that helped a lot.

When we got to the edge with him, even though we didn't want to let him go, we knew he had to go and we wanted him to. It was time for him to be free of his body that suffered for him. It was time for him to be in peace and to find that glory that he so richly deserved. His life was full of so much integrity and love and kindness. He gave everything to his family and thought of himself last. He was our best friend and now he's our angel.

My dad was the ultimate family man. He always worried about his girls. He lived his life to take care of his family. He always watched out for us. It seems somehow fitting that he's the first to go (scoping the scene for us) and watching over us now.

Like I said, watching someone you love pass on changes you. I have a deep empathy for those diagnosed with cancer and their families. And I have a deep empathy for people who've lost a parent. It's not just cancer and death of a parent that I feel for obviously, but this is what I have experience with so the feeling is much more acute.

There's a big hole in my heart that will never be filled. It's been over 3 years now since my dad passed. My mom cried the other day listening to one of their songs that they shared together. She started to speak about how sad she was but stopped herself and resigned with a sigh. I told her, "I know mom, I don't think that feeling will ever go away". She looked at me with love and said, "Yeah, I don't think so either".

My heart longs for my dad every moment of every day, but I don't let my mind think about him too much. When I do, I cry and I break. It gets easier with time but not that much easier. It helps me to know that he loves us and we love him. And I believe that he's still with me. 

I used to feel sorry for myself. Most of my friends don't know what it feels like, I say to myself. But I stopped that. Everyone has hardships in life and I don't know what other people go through either. I'm also fortunate that I had my dad for 28 years full of love and kindness. I had a loving dad who was everything a father should be. A parent is supposed to go before their child. This was natural and I'm certainly not the first 28 year old who lost a parent. Many people don't have them for that long or at all.

So I know I am blessed. I am part of a loving family who takes care of each other and is there all the way to the edge.

* Note - I feel the need to send this word of thanks out into the world: Thank you to all the nurses who do their work with kindness. To all the palliative care specialists: I can't imagine how hard it would be to work in your field but thank you for what you do, because it makes a world of difference to your patients and their families.

Focused Work

I've started to record my vector illustration process recently and I've noticed something: my productivity increases when I record my illustration process.

It's amazing. It's reduced the time it takes for me to do an illustration by at least 25%. I'm not counting the time it takes for me to sketch out my character illustrations, but after researching the character which takes about an hour in total, the sketch phase usually takes 1/2 - 1 hour. Then I scan it into the computer and turn the sketches into vector artwork.

I think when I record my process I'm much more aware of every step that I take and I end up making decisions faster. For example, I won't spend as much time trying different colors and patterns. Instead I'll think it through and make a decision in my head without having to see it on screen. I am more deliberate in my paths and carve out my shapes with more conviction.

I suppose knowing that someone will watch this process helps me to be more aware of what I'm doing and stops me from wasting energy and time trying to come to a decision. I also don't want to waste a viewers time by spending 5 minutes on different color choices if it's isn't necessary. I just make my decisions and move on. What's more, is that at the end of it all I actually have less tweaking to do to the final character than before. Because I'm much more sure of my decisions right off the bat, don't think twice on them as I go along. When the character is complete and I stop my recording I consider the piece done (on my end until the client wants some tweaks made). The point is, I don't sit on the illustration for longer than I have to and I don't mull over my design decisions. It's been a revelation.

I also find that watching my process over gives me more confidence in my skills and helps me to step back and see what I can do to make my illustration and my process better.

Anyway, back to illustrating...

I'll be posting one of these videos soon, so stay tuned!

UPDATE: here is one of those videos

Mission US - "Most Significant Impact" award at G4C

We're honored to have won a @G4C award for "A Cheyenne Odyssey." Congrats to all the nominees and winners! #G4C14 pic.twitter.com/2ZS2UdVTZe

— Mission US (@Mission_US) April 24, 2014

I'm so thrilled to share that Mission US: A Cheyenne Odyssey won the Most Significant Impact category at this years Games for Change. The award is honors games targeted most successfully at a specific social issue, with proven actions and/or outcomes. I've always been proud of being a part of the team at Electric Funstuff who, in partnership with Thirteen and the American Social History Project, produce the games.

Here's what people have been saying about it:

CBS News - NY Teacher Turns to Video Games to Encourage Learning

Let's Get Serious About Video Games (on Forbes.com)

BrainPOP on the award and Mission US

Mission US: A Cheyenne Odyssey is the 3rd mission in the Mission US series. It puts players in the role of a Cheyenne boy, Little Fox, in 1866 as he grows up and makes decisions in reaction to the encroachment of settlers, expansion of railroads, decline of buffalo and the rise of the reservation system in the 1860s and 1870s.

It's no secret this is one of my treasured projects. Games have an ability to capture an audience (especially the young ones) and keep them engaged in a way that many things cannot. And to use this in a way that successfully educates children in an unbiased, participatory and exciting manner is a feat. I commend the game designers, historians and writers on this project for writing and designing such a diverse game that allows children to get an understanding of what history felt like at the time rather than our analyses of it after the fact. It's a pleasure designing characters for such a rich and powerful game.

We're hard at work on the next one which will be out later this year. Check out my Mission US project page for more info about this project.

FITC 2014 post-mortem

I had the pleasure of attending FITC Toronto 2014 thanks to the kind folks at FITC through their Women's Initiative (free tickets are reserved each year for women to encourage and welcome more women to attend tech conferences - to get a ticket, you must submit something to showcase why you should go). See my submission here.

FITC is a 3-day multi-track conference focused on web technology, design and creativity. The theme for this year was 'storytelling'. They had 5 rooms which more or less, determined the type of talks that they held: 1. Inspirational, 2. Web development, 3. Creative coding and hardware, 4. Business, and 5. Unplugged storytelling (this was a smaller room so it made for more intimate, unplugged talks and discussions).

I'd been to FITC before in 2012 but I knew very few people in the community and was more observant than involved. This year I knew a lot more people which meant a lot more time spent with friends, talking over beers and food and taking in all the knowledge and inspiration.

I spent most of my time in room #1 for the more inspirational storytelling or talks that discussed process and lessons learned. I'd been to a couple of the web dev talks and creative coding talks and didn't feel like it was for me, perhaps because I'm more design focused. Plus I tend to want to learn by doing when it comes to development and coding.

There were a few people that I was really looking forward to hearing and they did not disappoint! There were also a couple of speakers that I met and they are as gracious and kind as you would think they are. Here's a list of my favorites this year:

1. Stefan Sagmeister

Image credit: http://todesignoffsite.com/events-2/dx-the-happy-show/

Half of the design firm Sagmeister & Walsh Inc. (with Jessica Walsh), Stefan has had a wealth of experience and is a world-renowned designer. As a designer I was excited to hear him speak. If you don't know him, look him up!

Stefan walked us through his journey of creating The Happy Show - and exhibition that draws on his experiments of finding what makes us happy. He delivered his talk with substance, wit, and humor and was extremely approachable. On the last day of the conference he humored us with some random, very funny stories. It was a nice end to the conference.

2. Sara Blake

Image credit: http://daily.designcollector.net/post/27927272300/sara-blake-at-work-hellozso-by-designcollector

Sara Blake a.k.a. ZSO is an incredible illustrator! Her course was the first one I took on Skillshare. Her artwork is absolutely brilliant and unique and I was really interested to hear about her journey and process as a designer and illustrator.

She's able to successfully work as a designer and illustrator, like many, through sheer hard work, determination, a commitment to her work and practice. It was incredible to get to see the evolution of her illustration and walk through her process through a project. It was very insightful and I am grateful to have heard it.

Image credit: http://yukoart.com/work/mother-jones-under-water/

3. Yuko Shimizu

Yuko's talk was a standout and completely unexpected. I have to admit that I didn't know much about Yuko, in fact I had only been introduced to her work very recently. But boy oh boy is she ever talented. Not only that she was genuinely nice and approachable.

After 11 years in the corporate PR world, Yuko quit her job and moved to New York City to go to school for illustration. She graduated from the School of Visual Arts in NYC with an MFA in the Illustration as Visual Essay Program in 2003 and has been illustrating since. She is also an instructor at SVA.

Yuko's story was so unbelievably inspirational. Having realized my true love for illustration and being a bit confused as to where I fit in the Designer/Developer/Illustrator circle, I gravitated to her story and was moved by her talk because I'm struggling to find my identity as a designer and illustrator. But it's not just her story that is amazing, Yuko is a brilliant natural speaker. She speaks as if she's talking to you alone and injects natural humor making her one of the most likable personalities I've met in a long while.

Not to go on and on about her, but let me just end this off by saying I had the pleasure of talking to Yuko at the after party on the last day and to ask her some questions and she took time to talk to me and share more insights and I greatly appreciated that.

If you haven't seen her work - check out her portfolio.

4. Anton Repponen and Irene Pereyra

Anton and Irene are a design duo working together at Fi. Their talk discussed how they work together focusing on the UX and design and working on them in tandem at Fi and more particularly their process using the Wacom site redesign as a case study. This was an extremely interesting talk for me. It was fantastic to see someone's process through UX and design for a major brand. Everyone in this industry works differently but it was great to have a look into the nitty gritty of their process from site maps to wireframes to full blown design.

On the last day, Anton and Irene did another more intimate talk about some of their bad client experiences and lessons learned. For anyone working in client-services, this is a gem. It's nice to be able to relate and commiserate with other designers, especially the ones you think have it all figured out, because let's face it, no one has it figured out. We're all just learning as we go.

There were plenty more speakers that I truly enjoyed listening to including

• James White of SignalNoise - I saw him speak in 2012 and his talk gave us a more in depth view of the evolution of his work from a small-nerdy-drawing-kid to a big-nerdy-drawing-adult. I loved geeking out with him on all his inspirations from 80s toys and comics to movies. I also met him briefly at the after party and he's also one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.
• Jason White of Leviathan (not to be confused with James White above) - Leviathan is a design studio that does incredible work in visual experiences. Jason took us through their process of working on some of the most elaborate, visually stimulating, stage set designs I've ever seen.
• Robert Wong of Google - You know those tear-jerking google commercials? Well Robert and his team of designers at Google is behind all that. They're behind Google's design (including the Google Doodles) which wasn't much of anything until they carved out a space and a voice for themselves not only in Google's marketing efforts but also in their product design. Robert is also a fellow Canadian and hails from Scarborough, Toronto - and you know how we're always proud of our own :) Though he really has a career to be proud of - Canadian or not.

Well that's a bit of my take on FITC Toronto 2014. Aside from the speakers, I also met a bunch of people in and around the community here in Toronto which is always a bonus! I am thankful to the organizers of FITC for allowing me to attend and hope to direct the inspiration that I gained into something worthwhile in my work.

FITC 2014 Submission

Every year FITC comes to Toronto and for the fourth year in a row they are setting aside FREE tickets to give away as part of their Women's Initiative. I love this initiative because it gives women working in the tech space an opportunity to discover all the wonderful things that are going on in the industry and well, I would love love love to go to the conference again!

For my submission I created this poster series which in my opinion clearly defines what FITC is all about and why I would love to go.

(Click each poster to see a larger view).

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A little history of FITC and me

I had the amazing opportunity to attend FITC Toronto 2012, thanks to a ticket giveaway by the lovely people at Ladies Learning Code (thanks ladies!). It was my first conference ever and I was so inspired and I admit, a bit intimidated. I didn't know many people but what I saw at FITC blew me away. It wasn't all about technology, it was about experiences, real world experiences with people who had successes and failures. The whole point of it was to learn from each other and to meet people who work along side you everyday. We all work in technology for all the possibilities it has to offer and one of the reasons I love working in the web is the openness of the community we're in. I learned so much and met some incredible people along the way. Most importantly I was inspired to return to my desk and get working. As a freelancer, working in my home office, it is necessary to find inspiration and connect with people.

Through the community here I've met a ton of incredible people who are doing great things. One connection I made was with Cassie McDaniel, who submitted an app design for her entry for the FITC Women's Initiative that year. The app was designed to help women connect with each other to put themselves out there for conference organizers to find them (there are fewer women who speak at conferences). Shortly after FITC 2012, I tweeted Cassie to make that app a reality. What began as a tweet turned into a group of men and women dedicated to turn this idea into reality. When we met, instead of an app, we decided to launch Women && Tech, an interview series that shares stories of incredibly talented women doing great things in the world of technology. It's been one and half years since we launched we're still sharing stories. I am proud to be a part of the Women && Tech team and continue to help manage the project today.

So, what started as a free ticket to FITC turned into ideas, connections, and inspiring work.

This year, I would love to attend FITC 2014, because the possibilities of what an event like this does, is endless!

My submission

As I sat down to think about what I wanted to submit to this initiative, I wrote all the reasons why I wanted to go to FITC in my notebook.

I thought about what I could create that would summarize all of this. I decided early on that I wanted to create a poster of some kind. But I wanted it to be clear, to the point and to not only convey what FITC meant to me but what the conference is all about. I wanted it to stand on it's own as a testament to the FITC experience. After some sketching and preliminary ideas, I came up with the poster series above. I could see this series grow but these 3 posters for me is what FITC is all about and why I would love to go! Fingers crossed :)